When You Leave I Shall Not …

(version 2)
WHEN YOU LEAVE I SHALL NEVER

Fall to pieces,
A house of hearts deconstructed.
Nor shall I weep, no, not a trickle, I’ll
Dance as you waltz away.
Nor shall I deprive myself
Of joyous sleep,
Even though my eyes be saddened,
Stricken and smutted with tearful grief.
Trust me; I’ll dance as you waltz away.

(version 1)
WHEN YOU LEAVE I SHALL NEVER…

Fall to pieces, an undone house of hearts,
Nor shall I weep, not a trickle, I’ll
Dance as you walk away.
Nor shall I deprive myself
Of restful sleep even though my eyes
Be saddened, stricken,
And smutted with tearful grief, no, I’ll
dance as you walk away.
.

.

Poetic Asides prompt # 197, An Answer

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6 Comments

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  1. Version two amped up the rhythm, evoked more image and emotion. Yet, I like them stacked. (What was the question?)

  2. I think I prefer version 2 also, but version 1 was a prayer feel to it (sort of).

  3. I think I like version to better, just feels more lively.. but at the same time the topic is somber and version one is more dense, and that works too. Nonetheless, lovely piece.

  4. While they both work well, version two is my preference for tone.

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