Buckled

BUCKLED

This grief had snapped
her in two,
pulled the pegs
from her legs,
knees buckled, and left
her in a crippled heap
on the floor —
as if
a new perspective
could change anything.

.
.
……….Or version 2 ….

BUCKLED.

This
grief
had snapped
her in two,
pulled the pegs from her
knees, legs buckled, and left her
in a crippled heap on the floor –
as if …
a new perspective
could
change
anything.
.
.

Written for   Margo’s Tuesday Tryout prompt. Recalling emotion, and Joseph’s Reverie #41 Joseph’s Reverie #41 .

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16 Comments

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  1. How odd I thought I put my comment here?

  2. Excellent, Misky. Personally, I like the formatting (and the missing “and”) in the first one.

  3. I love having the two to look at. My instant like is the first one. So, I went back to see why I like the one over the other. I agree with de, partly it’s the formatting, but more than that, I like the effect of the enjambment in the first. Look at your end words for each draft. The first version feels buckled.

  4. First one. It’s up in your face. Nice piece.

  5. I prefer the first one, as well. Good one, kiddo!

  6. Grief packs a wallop and you have captured it so well here…and I too prefer the first version.

  7. Snakypoet (Rosemary Nissen-Wade) 31 October 2012 — 6:14 am

    Odd one out, I prefer the second. The fragmented nature of it seems to me to fit better with what you are saying. However I am in a minority of one, so far! (Why did you feel you wanted to try a second version? What was it about the first that didn’t satisfy you? I expect you are right and you need yet a third.)

    • Hi Rosemary, I wanted a form that gave it a crumbling, choppy feel but most readers found that too difficult (and for some unpleasant) to read. I don’t think I’ll do a 3rd version as this has confirmed to me just how subjective poetry is, and how breaking up a few lines can change its perception. Thank you very much for adding this discussion, Rosemary!

    • Very interesting! We’re almost completely split down the middle now on preference. Makes me think I should keep one as is and rework the other! Thanks so much Sara for stopping by and adding your voice to this. :D

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